Wednesday, December 19, 2007

If I only knew.


Rarely a day goes by that I don't think of my late brother Jason. Jason Andrew deBellonia is his fill name. After almost 12.5 yrs you'd think it would get easier to release the sadness that comes with losing a brother, but it never truly get easier.

All that helps is time as it passes, but not in the way that so many say. Time doesn't heal anything, it simply lets you forget. That is until you are once again reminded of what you are missing.

My brother Jason was the first of the 3 of us to graduate high school. Not because I was a troubled kid, or I didn't care, but because someone needed to help raise my brothers as my mom struggled to make end's meat and put food on our plate. 2 jobs, 1 full time with a 2 hr commute followed by a part time job is what she worked. She always greeted us with a smile and love, no matter how hard her day was.

Life didn't get us down, we had each other and that is all that mattered. I sacrificed a little, so that my brothers could have more. I may have embellished my at times and used my "need" to be there for family things to not catch up on schooling, but we all make mistakes. I ended up w/a GED and headed off to work. But this isn't about me.

Like I was saying, Jason was the first to graduate and we banded together behind him in celebration and cheer. Living what I missed out on, but could now live through him. He was a good kid with a level head and a warm heart. Despite our differences growing up, we were becoming much closer as adults. I looked up to him for his courage to try new things and stand up for what he thought and believed in even when no one else did.

So tonight I am creating an enlarged photo of my brother at his graduation. It's for my grandmother for a Christmas gift and the photo is of her and him walking arm in arm. He is looking right at the camera and his look in his eyes makes you think he is right in front of you, like this moment was only seconds ago.

And my question of the night is, if I only knew what it would have been like to have him here still today?
Would he be married? a doc, artist, or engineer?
Would we be as close still as I think and hope that we would be?
Would my life still be the same?

One lesson that I have learned from Jason is life and in death, something I still struggle with time to time is that anything desired should be done without hesitation.

Here today, gone tomorrow is not just a saying, it's simply the truth of life. While many of us search each day for the meaning of life, we often forget that it may be as simple as living life and not pondering it.

If we were to die tomorrow, would be leave behind memories for those who loved us to rejoice in, or would we leave them wishing that we could have done more?

Merry Christmas little brother. We all miss you and you are always in our hearts and thoughts.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Lisa drools as ripped men run up the stadium steps in a men's body spray commercial and since I can't really compete with that "body type", my first reaction is to look at her with the most tender caring gaze that I can cast upon her and say with all the warmth in my heart, "See honey, I adorn this suit of fat for you, so that you can live a life of productivity and not just that of drool, lust, and sex!"

I'm not sure she bought it, but at least she giggled, humor is a good quality, right?!

ToysR Us = BUST

Today was my first visit to a ToysRUs store is at least 10 yrs and being that I am a 5yr old trapped in this 37 yr old body, I was super giddy and sported a grin from ear to ear as we approached the store's entrance.

But once we walked through the doors, my joyous world instantly collapsed around me. Lisa clinched my hand so tight that within 30 seconds of being in the store I felt tingling in my fingers.

Help, Help, kids everywhere! Running, crying, grabbing, crawling, clawing, yelling, and fighting. It was like a nightmare staged in daycare center. I felt Lisa's eyes scrambling to locate the nearest exit, but we needed to press on so that we might find that perfect gift for our niece Sofia.

It was truly scary as we passed isle after isle in complete disarray. Empty boxes from restocking blocked off corridors while parents crammed past each other in a sea of strollers like bumper cars at King's Dominion.

Bumps and nudges with pardon me, excuse me, can I get by, on your left, on your right, passing, passing, "Little Johnny get over here!", "where is your sister?". Wait, why should "Little Johnny" know the sisters whereabouts?!

Toy stores aren't playgrounds for the kids, you need to leash them, especially this time of year. At one point Lisa pulled back on my arm so that I would turn to her and as I did she thanks me. "Thank you, Thank you for not wanting kids!" "I simply couldn't imagine dealing with it." "Thank you again." I'm thinking that I can use this "Thanks" as a way to get my way later. HeHeHe... Hey, I may not want kids, but I like to go through the motions still. LOL

5hrs, I mean 15 minutes later Lisa and I are just short of running out the door (the only reason we didn't run is because security might think we were stealing) with a very unsuccessful attempt to locate that perfect gift.

I was completely disappointed in the store though, they lost so many sales simply because the selves were empty and/or chaotic. Maybe their plan is to create mass hysteria and thus make people think that if they don't buy what left, they might not find anything at all.

Either way, I felt cheated...