Wednesday, December 19, 2007

If I only knew.

Rarely a day goes by that I don't think of my late brother Jason. Jason Andrew deBellonia is his fill name. After almost 12.5 yrs you'd think it would get easier to release the sadness that comes with losing a brother, but it never truly get easier.

All that helps is time as it passes, but not in the way that so many say. Time doesn't heal anything, it simply lets you forget. That is until you are once again reminded of what you are missing.

My brother Jason was the first of the 3 of us to graduate high school. Not because I was a troubled kid, or I didn't care, but because someone needed to help raise my brothers as my mom struggled to make end's meat and put food on our plate. 2 jobs, 1 full time with a 2 hr commute followed by a part time job is what she worked. She always greeted us with a smile and love, no matter how hard her day was.

Life didn't get us down, we had each other and that is all that mattered. I sacrificed a little, so that my brothers could have more. I may have embellished my at times and used my "need" to be there for family things to not catch up on schooling, but we all make mistakes. I ended up w/a GED and headed off to work. But this isn't about me.

Like I was saying, Jason was the first to graduate and we banded together behind him in celebration and cheer. Living what I missed out on, but could now live through him. He was a good kid with a level head and a warm heart. Despite our differences growing up, we were becoming much closer as adults. I looked up to him for his courage to try new things and stand up for what he thought and believed in even when no one else did.

So tonight I am creating an enlarged photo of my brother at his graduation. It's for my grandmother for a Christmas gift and the photo is of her and him walking arm in arm. He is looking right at the camera and his look in his eyes makes you think he is right in front of you, like this moment was only seconds ago.

And my question of the night is, if I only knew what it would have been like to have him here still today?
Would he be married? a doc, artist, or engineer?
Would we be as close still as I think and hope that we would be?
Would my life still be the same?

One lesson that I have learned from Jason is life and in death, something I still struggle with time to time is that anything desired should be done without hesitation.

Here today, gone tomorrow is not just a saying, it's simply the truth of life. While many of us search each day for the meaning of life, we often forget that it may be as simple as living life and not pondering it.

If we were to die tomorrow, would be leave behind memories for those who loved us to rejoice in, or would we leave them wishing that we could have done more?

Merry Christmas little brother. We all miss you and you are always in our hearts and thoughts.