Tuesday, January 09, 2007

(disclaimer: This is hell of a lot of rambling.)

Sometimes my thoughts consume me, but not in a way that they take over how I act in the physical world, but more less make me wonder how others think, or how others would feel if they knew what I was thinking.

I often think that the thoughts in my head can be dark, maybe even downright sinister. Is this normal?? If the difference between "psychos" & normal people only the ability to not act on impulses and thoughts?

Talk about hanging on a thread! This realization is more scary to me than the thought that everyday we drive at obscene speeds in automobiles with only painted lines separating us.

I guess that despite having "Best" friends during my life, I never got to know many people in such a way that we spoke about dark thoughts. I certainly knew that some of my friends were capable of acting in such ways.

To elaborate a little, I have been (at times) able to put myself in situations (by thoughts only / daydreaming) that might be considered taboo by societal standards. Let's say that the news was on and I heard about a rape/murder, on a totally subconscious & which later moves to a more conscious level think about how I would have reacted in a situation like I just heard about. What might I have done if I was the victim? Would I have survived? How would I have acted if I was the person committing the crime? What would've driven me to commit such a horrendous act?

These thoughts keep playing over and over in my head until I exhaust what I perceive to be all possible scenarios. I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me? How can I put myself in these positions ( no matter how imaginative) and still feel like a person? Is this part of human predisposition or some strange way to cope or come to grips with how others act; maybe it's an attempt to make some sort of understanding as to why others act out in such strange ways.

During an Anthropology class a few semesters back, we learned that we are not the only animals to commit murder. Sure other animals kill, but murder is about intent to kill for no other reason than to kill. It turns out that during a study of some Chimps, the researches witnessed and caught on tape a group of chimps that actually communicated and organized a search for an ousted member and once found, they all participated in kill him. Using rocks, hits, and twigs until he no longer lived. It was an eye opener, these acts are completely "hard-coded" into our brains.

All of us hope that we can overcome nature and instincts through laws and societal norms; but how long can it last? How far can we push and suppress what has brought us to the place we are today. It's taken modern humans 160k years to get here and our ancestors millions. We certainly were not the strongest or largest animals, so how did we make it to the top of the food chain? Through use of cunning which came out of the development of our brain. Certain thoughts and processes have become ingrained within us and passed along as "instincts".

Instincts are developed over millions of years as responses to actions against our forefathers. How can we be expected to control these instincts in a blink of an eye. Sure, most of us can suppress the urge to kill, maim, or rape; but their are still other ways by which we move throughout our daily lives committing crimes almost as grave. How about war for land? Stealing? Watching others suffer from homelessness, not having a piece of food to eat or a drop of water to quench their thirst?

How is it that society and it's social norms stopped at violence crimes, but looks at crimes against humanity and turns the other cheek??

Where the first laws against violence created by those that did not possess the power to actually kill their enemy? Was this humans using their brains to win the battle instead of brawn?

So I guess in the end, my thoughts on my thoughts are they are possibly natural, because it's part of who we are and has helped bring humans to the forefront of life here on earth. I think that we are only a thought away of killing each other off too. Lucky for us, about 95% of us actually consider what we think and cooler heads prevail before we act.